Five Qs You Should Ask Before You Catch A Fairy

Many people think fairies grant wishes and make dreams come true (thanks a lot, Disney). Sadly, the truth can be a bit more sinister. So many poor, misguided people hide in their backyards during a full moon with a jar and a net, hoping to be the next big fairy lotto winner. But before you run out to join them, these five questions will help you decide if fairy-hunting is right for you (Hint: it probably isn’t).

1. Am I prepared to engage in a desperate fight for my life?

And I mean, really prepared. You’ve trained in martial arts. You’ve won a few Ironman competitions. Oh, and you scaled Mount Everest. Twice. Seriously. Even the smaller fairy breeds can easily take down a herd of elephants with a well-cast magic spell. What, then, do you think they’ll do to you, punny human?

2. Am I prepared to lose?

If you lose (when you lose), there will be serious consequences because fairies are masters at inflicting life-long suffering on mortals. They will transform your head into a slice of cheesecake. They will bewitch your Netflix account, so the only thing you can binge watch is a bunch of carpet cleaning commercials. They will curse your speech, and then the only thing you’ll ever be able to say is “apocalyptic hedgehogs.”

3. How will I explain my little *hobby* to my friends and family?

Most people neither appreciate nor understand the fine art of fairy-catching, so you’d better have a good cover story when your neighbor discovers you hunched over a toadstool on his property, mumbling “here, fairy fairy” at three in the morning. Because hey, it’s totally normal to go creeping around other people’s backyards in the middle of the night with a net, a jar, and a tackle box full of duct tape and Skittle-bait. Right? Riiiiiight.

4. Can I afford to win?

Many people fail to recognize the consequences of wish fulfillment, and humans are notoriously bad at knowing what they truly “want.” They wish for all the wrong things, which the fairies gleefully grant knowing how badly it will all turn out in the end. Wish for a new car, take it for a ride and drive way too fast, then die in a fiery crash while the fairies watch and laugh when deep down all you truly wanted was time well spent with your loving family. But no. You wished for a Mustang. See what I mean?

5. Do I really need a fairy to help me make my dreams come true?

Before you go fairy hunting (and get magically disemboweled in the process), may I propose an alternative approach? It takes a great deal of time and energy to successfully capture a fairy, but this time and energy, when properly channeled and invested, could help you manifest your dreams on your own. Consider how many people seek outside  “solutions” to their problems while overlooking the answers they already possess. Many endeavors don’t require magical assistance at all–just a bit of courage, dedication, honesty, and creativity.

And for those endeavors that DO require magical assistance? Well, for pity’s sake, go to the leprechauns, the genies, the gnomes–heck, even the pixies. Go to ANYONE but the fairies.

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